nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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