i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
