I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
