the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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