This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
