A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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