I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
