I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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