Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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