I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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