Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
