Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
