UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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