The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
