Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize