I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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