If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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