So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
