DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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