I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
