sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
