You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
