you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
