I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
