Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
