a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize