well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
