i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize