I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
