hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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