you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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