my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
