Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
