If that was your dad, he is hot
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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