dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
