FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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