just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Terrible idea I love it
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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