I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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