I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
