I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
