i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
