I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
