At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
