Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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