apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
