someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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