There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
