no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
