i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
