I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
