He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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