I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
