He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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