i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
