i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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