brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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