my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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