Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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