just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
