Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
