someone threw a dead crab at me
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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