ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Boobs are out for the taking
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
