i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
