one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
the raccoons are back...
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