Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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