I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
