Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
