I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
