Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i out mim tonsoeep
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