I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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