the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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