fuck your aforementioned shoe
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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