I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
